How do we really understand other people and build good relationships? See what research says about empathy, listening, friendship, online messages, feedback and apologies, with practical tools.
Last updated: 12 October 2026. Written by the EDUSAMBAM Editorial Team. This article is for general education and does not replace advice from a qualified professional.
You have probably noticed that two people can be equally clever and still have very different lives with others. One is easy to talk to, has loyal friends and settles disagreements calmly. The other is often misunderstood and lonely. The difference is rarely luck. Empathy and social skills are learnable, and the research on them is fascinating, and sometimes surprising. For example, "put yourself in their shoes" turns out to be less reliable than simply asking. In this guide, which builds on our article on Goleman's five components of EQ, we look at what scientists have found about understanding people, listening, friendship, online messages, feedback, apologies and teamwork, and we give you practical scripts to try.
Good relationships are linked with longer, healthier lives. To understand someone, asking and listening works better than imagining. Empathy can be trained, and high-quality listening helps people feel less defensive. Popular body-language rules, such as "93% of communication is non-verbal", are myths. Text messages are misread far more often than people expect. Friendships take many hours of shared time. Feedback should be about the task, not the person. A good apology takes responsibility and offers to repair. Small acts of kindness are good for the giver too.
Humans are a social species, and the health evidence is striking. A large 2010 meta-analysis (Holt-Lunstad, Smith and Layton) combined 148 studies with 308,849 participants and found that people with stronger social relationships had about a 50% greater likelihood of survival over the follow-up period (an average of about seven and a half years) than people with weaker relationships. A second review in 2015 of 70 studies involving more than 3.4 million people found that social isolation was linked with about a 29% higher risk of death, loneliness with about 26%, and living alone with about 32%, after taking account of age and starting health.
Two cautions are important. First, these are observational studies. They show strong links, but cannot prove that relationships alone cause longer life, because health can also affect social life. Second, what matters is quality, not just numbers: one or two trusted relationships can be worth more than a large but shallow network. Even so, the finding is a strong reason to treat social skills as a serious part of health and learning, not just as "nice to have".
We often hear that the way to understand someone is to "put yourself in their shoes". This is called perspective taking, and it is very popular in schools and workplaces. But does it make us more accurate? In 2018, Tal Eyal, Mary Steffel and Nicholas Epley reported 25 experiments that tested this. Participants had to judge other people's thoughts, feelings and attitudes, for instance predicting emotions from faces and body postures, spotting lies, or guessing a spouse's preferences. Some were told to take the other person's perspective first.
The results were unexpected. Although most people believed that perspective taking would help, the researchers found no consistent evidence that it improved accuracy. If anything, accuracy decreased a little, while confidence sometimes went up. In a final experiment, people who got the other person's view directly, through conversation, became more accurate. The authors' summary: understanding another person's mind is enabled by getting perspective, not just taking perspective.
Your friend Zainab goes quiet at lunch. Assuming: "She must be angry with me because of yesterday." You stay away, and the gap grows. Asking: "You seem quiet today. How are you doing?" She answers that she is worried about her grandmother's health and had not slept. The question gave you real information that no amount of imagining could supply.
This does not mean that thinking about others is useless. The researchers note that imagining another view can reduce some egocentric thinking, and perspective taking may help in other ways, such as being kinder. The lesson is simply that when accuracy matters, ask, listen and check.
Yes, according to the evidence. A 2016 meta-analysis (Teding van Berkhout and Malouff) combined 18 randomised controlled trials of empathy training with 1,018 participants in total. Training programmes had a medium effect on empathy overall (an effect size of 0.63, which fell to about 0.51 after adjusting for the likelihood that unsuccessful studies were less often published). The length of training and the time between training and testing (up to six months) were not clearly linked to the size of the effect.
These results should be read with care. The studies measured empathy in different ways, often with questionnaires or role-play tasks, and the longest follow-up was six months, so we know less about long-term change in real-life behaviour.
| Training approach | What it involves | Example for students |
|---|---|---|
| Knowledge and awareness | Learning about emotions and perspectives | Reading and discussing stories from different points of view |
| Skills practice | Role-play, feedback and repetition | Practising reflective listening in pairs |
| Real contact | Spending real time with people whose lives differ from yours | Joining a mixed-age club or volunteering |
| Reflection | Thinking about your own reactions and biases | Journalling about a time you misjudged someone |
As we explained in our article on EQ, researchers separate cognitive empathy, emotional empathy and compassion. A further caution is that empathy can be biased toward people who are close to us, similar to us or whose stories are vivid. A skilled communicator notices this tendency and deliberately extends care to others, and also avoids becoming overwhelmed by absorbing every person's pain.
You may have heard that "only 7% of communication is words, 38% is tone and 55% is body language". This comes from two 1967 experiments by Albert Mehrabian and colleagues. They looked at how people judge a speaker's feelings or attitudes when the words, tone and facial expression do not match, such as a person saying a positive word in a negative tone. Mehrabian himself has stated that the percentages do not apply unless a person is talking about feelings or attitudes. So it is a myth that all communication is mostly non-verbal. What the research does suggest is that when words and tone disagree, people tend to trust the tone and face.
Many people believe that a smile, scowl or frown reliably shows a specific emotion. A major 2019 review by Lisa Feldman Barrett and colleagues examined the scientific evidence and concluded that the common view is not well supported: the same facial movement can express different emotions in different situations, and a given emotion can be expressed with many different movements. For example, a scowl often communicates something other than anger. The authors note that facial movements do carry useful social information, but they are context-dependent and variable. (Some researchers still defend more universal expressions, so this remains an active scientific debate.)
The practical message is to treat body language as a clue, not a verdict. Crossed arms may mean that someone is cold, not defensive. Avoiding eye contact may mean shyness, respect or concentration. Check clues against the context and, when it matters, ask.
Rules for distance, eye contact, touch, silence and directness differ between cultures and families. The anthropologist Edward Hall (1976) described a contrast between high-context cultures, where much of the meaning is carried by the situation and relationships, and low-context cultures, where meaning is expected to be stated in words. These are tendencies, not boxes for people. A global study of personal space (Sorokowska and colleagues, 2017) surveyed 8,943 participants in 42 countries and found that preferred distances to other people varied with age, gender and region, with some variation linked to local temperature.
| Cue | Possible meanings | What to do |
|---|---|---|
| Little eye contact | Shyness, respect, concentration, culture, tiredness | Do not assume rudeness; keep the conversation friendly |
| Silence | Thinking, comfort, disagreement, discomfort | Allow a pause; then check: "Would you like to add anything?" |
| Smile | Happiness, politeness, nervousness, embarrassment | Check against the situation and tone |
| Loud, fast speech | Excitement, anger, cultural style, anxiety | Ask how they are feeling; do not assume |
| Distance from you | Personal or cultural preference | Respect signals of comfort; adjust your own distance |
Listening is more than staying silent. Researchers Guy Itzchakov, Avraham Kluger and colleagues have studied high-quality listening, in which the listener is attentive, empathic and non-judgemental. In a series of laboratory experiments, speakers who experienced high-quality listening reported lower social anxiety, thought more deeply about their own views, became less defensive and showed less extreme and more nuanced attitudes, without the listener trying to persuade them. The effect was seen in later studies in organisations as well. In other words, being truly listened to helps people think more clearly.
A separate study of 180 undergraduates in peer interviews (Weger, Castle and Emmett, 2010) compared listeners who paraphrased what the speaker said with those who gave simple acknowledgements or advice. Paraphrasing made the listeners seem more socially skilled, though it did not clearly change how understood the speakers felt in that short setting. Both findings suggest that careful listening is noticed, but that its deepest benefits probably build over many conversations.
| Do | Avoid |
|---|---|
| Put away your phone and face the person | Checking messages while they talk |
| Let them finish; allow pauses | Interrupting, finishing their sentences |
| Reflect: "So you felt left out and upset?" | "At least..." or "You should have..." |
| Ask open questions: "What happened next?" | Questions that sound like blame: "Why on earth did you do that?" |
| Ask whether they want advice or support | Rushing to fix the problem |
| Stay curious and kind even if you disagree | Arguing your own case in your head while they speak |
A teacher notices that a student has stopped speaking in class. Instead of a lecture, she asks quietly after the lesson: "I noticed you have been quiet lately. How are things?" She listens, reflects ("It sounds like you are worried about the exam and feel alone with it"), and asks, "What would help?" The student shares that he does not understand one topic and is embarrassed to ask. A small, attentive conversation changes his week.
| Stage | Skill | Examples |
|---|---|---|
| Starting | Notice something shared and ask about it | "How did you find the maths homework?" "I like your bag. Where is it from?" |
| Keeping it going | Open questions and follow-ups | "What do you like most about it?" "How did you get into that?" |
| Sharing | Offer something about yourself so it is not an interview | "I tried that too, and I found the first level hard." |
| Joining a group | Listen first, then add to the topic | "That sounds interesting. What happened in the end?" |
| Ending kindly | Signal and thank | "I have to go now, but it was good talking. See you tomorrow!" |
If you feel shy, begin with low-pressure situations and small goals, such as saying hello to one new person a day. Skills improve with practice. If worry about social situations is so strong that you avoid school, work or friends, or it causes you great distress, talk to a doctor or counsellor. Effective help is available.
People often feel that friendships "just happen". Research suggests that they need time. In two studies (Hall, 2018), one of about 350 adults who had recently moved to a new town and one of university first-year students, the author estimated that it takes about 50 hours of time together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become a friend, and over 200 hours to become a close friend. Hours spent together just working counted less than time spent in relaxed activities and conversation.
These numbers are rough estimates from self-reported surveys, but the message is useful: closeness is built by repeated time together, not by a single great conversation. Other findings from social psychology fit this picture:
Much of our communication now happens in writing. This causes a hidden problem. In five experiments (Kruger, Epley, Parker and Ng, 2005), people tried to convey tone, such as sarcasm or seriousness, by email or by voice. Senders expected recipients to understand them about 78% of the time. In reality, listeners correctly understood the tone in voice messages about 73% of the time, but only about 56% of the time over email, little better than a coin toss. The researchers explained this as egocentrism: when you write a sentence, you "hear" it in the tone you intend, and forget that the reader cannot.
| Situation | Better habit |
|---|---|
| Sarcasm or jokes | Avoid them with people who do not know you well, or make the humour obvious |
| Short replies like "ok" or "fine" | Add a friendly word, because brief messages can seem cold |
| You feel angry about a message | Wait before replying and consider other explanations; if it matters, call or meet |
| A sensitive subject | Use voice or face-to-face, not text |
| Group chats | Think before posting about people; do not exclude or mock; leave an unkind chat and tell a trusted adult |
| Not sure what someone meant | Ask: "I wasn't sure how you meant that. Can you tell me more?" |
Feedback is meant to help, but it does not always do so. A large meta-analysis by Avraham Kluger and Angelo DeNisi (1996) combined 607 effect sizes from 23,663 observations. On average, feedback improved performance (an effect size of 0.41), but in more than one third of cases, it made performance worse. The authors found that feedback worked less well when it drew attention to the self (for example "you are bad at this") and worked better when it focused on the task and how to improve it.
A popular tool taught in leadership training is Situation, Behaviour, Impact (a practitioner model, not a research-tested programme). It keeps feedback concrete and about actions, not character.
| Step | Meaning | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Situation | When and where | "In yesterday's group presentation..." |
| Behaviour | What you saw or heard, without judging | "...you spoke very quickly and looked at your notes." |
| Impact | The effect on you or the task | "It was hard for the audience to follow the key points." |
| Next step | A helpful suggestion or question | "Could we practise slowing down and pausing after each point?" |
Everyone hurts someone sometimes. A good apology can repair trust, and research tells us what makes one effective. In two experiments with 755 people (Lewicki, Polin and Lount, 2016), participants read apologies that contained one, three or all six of the following elements and rated how effective they were.
| Element | Example | Importance in the study |
|---|---|---|
| Acknowledgement of responsibility | "I was wrong, and it was my fault." | Most important |
| Offer of repair | "Let me replace it" or "How can I make this right?" | Second most important |
| Expression of regret | "I am truly sorry that I hurt you." | Helpful |
| Explanation | "I was stressed and rushed, but that is not an excuse." | Helpful, if not used as an excuse |
| Declaration of repentance | "I will not do it again." | Helpful |
| Request for forgiveness | "Can you forgive me?" | Helpful, but never a demand |
One limitation to note: participants rated written, hypothetical apologies, so real life may be more complicated. Still, it matches common sense: "I'm sorry you feel that way" is weak, whereas "I was wrong, and I will fix it" is strong.
Hira borrowed Sara's notes and forgot to return them before the test. Weak: "Sorry, but you should have reminded me." Stronger: "I'm really sorry. I forgot, and it was my responsibility to return them on time. I know it made your revision harder. I'll bring them first thing tomorrow, and I'll photocopy my own notes for you as well."
Forgiving is a personal choice. It means letting go of the wish for revenge, and it does not require you to accept harmful behaviour or to stay in an unsafe situation. You can forgive and still set boundaries.
Working with others is one of the main places where social skills show. Two well-studied ideas help.
| Problem | Helpful response |
|---|---|
| One person does everything | Divide the work into named parts, with deadlines and a shared checklist |
| Someone dominates | Take turns; use a round where each person speaks once before anyone speaks twice |
| Someone stays silent | Ask them directly and kindly; offer a task that suits their strengths |
| Disagreement | Separate the idea from the person; list the pros and cons; agree on criteria |
| Someone misses deadlines | Ask privately what is getting in the way; agree on a smaller step; tell the teacher if it continues |
Acts of kindness benefit receivers, and research suggests that they may benefit givers too. In a 2008 study in Science (Dunn, Aknin and Norton), people who spent money on others reported greater happiness than those who spent it on themselves. A 2013 follow-up (Aknin and colleagues) analysed survey data from 136 countries and found that giving to others was associated with greater happiness in poor and rich countries alike. Experiments in Canada, Uganda and India showed that recalling a time of spending on others raised happiness, and an experiment in Canada and South Africa found that buying items for charity gave a bigger lift in positive feelings than buying the same items for oneself.
Notice the limits: most of this research is about spending money, the global survey data is correlational, and the experiments were done in a few countries. Even so, many researchers see kindness as a reliable way to feel connected. Kindness does not need money:
Loneliness is the painful gap between the connection you want and the connection you have. It is common, including among teenagers and young adults, and it is not a personal failing. Small steps help: join a regular group around an interest, say yes to invitations, invite one person for a simple activity, volunteer, reach out to an old friend and be patient, remembering that friendships need hours. If loneliness is heavy and lasts, speak to a trusted person or a counsellor.
If someone is bullying you, it is not your fault. Tell a trusted adult such as a parent, teacher or counsellor, keep a record of what happened (dates, messages), avoid retaliating, and stay near supportive friends. If you see bullying, you can help by supporting the target privately, refusing to join in, and reporting it to an adult. Schools and many organisations have policies and helplines for bullying and online harassment.
If you or someone you know is in danger, or if sadness, anxiety or loneliness makes you think about harming yourself, contact your local emergency number or a crisis helpline in your country, or speak to a trusted adult or doctor right away. You do not have to manage this alone.
| Situation | Weak response | Stronger response |
|---|---|---|
| A friend says she failed a test and is upset | "It's only one test, don't be silly." | "That sounds really disappointing. Do you want to talk about it, or would you like help planning your next step?" |
| A classmate takes credit for your idea | Say nothing and feel resentful, or shout in front of everyone | "I noticed that the idea was presented as yours. I came up with it, and I'd like us to say it was a joint idea. Can we correct that with the teacher?" |
| A message from a friend says only "fine." | "What is wrong with you?" | "I wasn't sure how to read that. Is everything okay? I'm happy to talk if you want." |
| You disagree with a teammate | "That's a terrible idea." | "I see your point about speed. My concern is accuracy. Could we think about how to get both?" |
| You made a mistake that hurt someone | "It wasn't a big deal." | "I was wrong, and I'm sorry. How can I make it right?" |
| You want to join a group at lunch | Hover nearby without speaking | "Hi, mind if I sit here? What are you talking about?" |
| Group | Helpful focus |
|---|---|
| Children | Taking turns, sharing, naming feelings, saying "please", "sorry" and "thank you", playing in groups, with adults modelling kindness |
| Teenagers | Friendship skills, respectful disagreement, handling peer pressure, online safety, asking for help, speaking up for others |
| Young adults | Teamwork, giving and receiving feedback, networking honestly, managing conflict at work and home |
| Adults and parents | Listening in the family, repairing after conflict, staying in touch with friends, community involvement |
| Older adults | Staying connected, inter-generational contact, volunteering, using technology to keep in touch |
| Myth | Fact |
|---|---|
| "93% of communication is non-verbal" | The 7-38-55 figures came from narrow experiments on conflicting messages about feelings and do not apply to communication in general |
| Body language is a lie detector | Facial and body signals depend on context and person; they are clues, not proof |
| Putting yourself in their shoes makes you accurate | In 25 experiments, it did not improve accuracy; asking did |
| Some people are just born good with people | Social and empathy skills can be trained, with medium effects in randomised trials |
| Introverts cannot have good social lives | Preferring quiet is not the same as lacking skills; quality of relationships matters more than quantity |
| Real friends never argue | Disagreements are normal; repair and respect matter |
| Texts say exactly what you mean | Tone is often misread; check and clarify |
| Saying "sorry" is enough | Effective apologies accept responsibility and offer to repair |
| Week | Focus | Daily or weekly actions |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Ask and listen | In one conversation each day, put your phone away, ask one open question and reflect back what you heard |
| 2 | Connect | Invite one person to do something simple together; send two "thinking of you" messages; start or join one conversation with someone new |
| 3 | Communicate clearly | Before sending an important message, reread it as the receiver would; practise one task-focused piece of feedback; use one "I" statement |
| 4 | Repair and give | Offer a full apology if you owe one; do one act of kindness a day; review what has worked and choose a habit to keep |
The main claims in this article come from the following published works, which you can find by searching the authors, year and title.
| Topic | Source |
|---|---|
| Relationships and survival | Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., and Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. Holt-Lunstad, J., and colleagues (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10, 227-237. |
| Perspective taking and accuracy | Eyal, T., Steffel, M., and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114, 547-571. |
| Empathy training | Teding van Berkhout, E., and Malouff, J. M. (2016). The efficacy of empathy training: A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 63, 32-41. |
| Nonverbal communication | Mehrabian, A., and Wiener, M. (1967). Decoding of inconsistent communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 109-114. Mehrabian, A. (1981). Silent Messages (2nd ed.). Barrett, L. F., and colleagues (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1-68. |
| Culture and personal space | Hall, E. T. (1976). Beyond Culture. Sorokowska, A., and colleagues (2017). Preferred interpersonal distances: A global comparison. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 48, 577-592. |
| Listening | Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N., and Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43. Itzchakov, G., DeMarree, K. G., Kluger, A. N., and Turjeman-Levi, Y. (2018). The listener sets the tone. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44. Weger, H., Castle, G. R., and Emmett, M. C. (2010). Active listening in peer interviews. International Journal of Listening, 24, 34-49. |
| Friendship | Hall, J. A. (2018). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36, 1278-1296. Festinger, L., Schachter, S., and Back, K. (1950). Social Pressures in Informal Groups. Aron, A., and colleagues (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23, 363-377. |
| Email and tone | Kruger, J., Epley, N., Parker, J., and Ng, Z.-W. (2005). Egocentrism over e-mail: Can we communicate as well as we think? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89, 925-936. |
| Feedback | Kluger, A. N., and DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance. Psychological Bulletin, 119, 254-284. |
| Apologies | Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., and Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9, 177-196. |
| Teamwork | Karau, S. J., and Williams, K. D. (1993). Social loafing: A meta-analytic review and theoretical integration. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 681-706. Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44, 350-383. |
| Kindness and happiness | Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., and Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319, 1687-1688. Aknin, L. B., and colleagues (2013). Prosocial spending and well-being: Cross-cultural evidence for a psychological universal. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104, 635-652. |
| Term | Meaning |
|---|---|
| Egocentrism | The difficulty of stepping outside your own viewpoint when judging how others see things |
| Feedback | Information about performance given to help someone improve |
| High-context culture | A culture in which much meaning is carried by the situation and relationships |
| High-quality listening | Listening that is attentive, empathic and non-judgemental |
| Low-context culture | A culture in which meaning is expected to be stated in words |
| Observational study | A study that records existing differences without assigning people to groups |
| Perspective getting | Learning another person's view directly by asking them |
| Perspective taking | Imagining another person's view |
| Psychological safety | A shared belief that it is safe to speak up and take interpersonal risks in a team |
| Social loafing | Putting in less effort when working in a group |
Good relationships are not a gift that some people receive and others do not. They are built from small repeated actions: asking instead of assuming, listening with full attention, writing messages with care, giving honest and kind feedback, apologising properly, and showing up. None of these skills needs special talent, but all of them need practice. Choose one, try it today, and notice the difference it makes to the people around you, and to you.
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